Monday, April 09, 2007
Dear Enablers
(This disgusting peice of kitsch is exactly the kind of thing that is going to make archeologists of the future retch and then wonder how humans ever made it past the Dark Ages. I want it.)

Humans love analogies. That's why my book (my theoretical book) is going to make a killing. I have broken all people down into four different categories. In a perfect world, there would only be two kinds of people (because we've heard that phrase so many times, and we like it). But I am going beyond the whole "There are winners and there are losers" mentality. I'm taking it even further in evolution. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? Step aside. My analogy bypasses gender, race, and even human DNA.

Cats and dogs, people.
And cats who act like dogs.
And dogs who act like cats.

'Nuff said.

I am a dog. I am a tongue rolling, tail wagging, oh-scratch-me-right-there-and-I'll-kill-for-you kinda gal. I am loyal to a fault, obedient except when I haven't been given enough playtime or attention, and will protect my loved ones with great big bites and yelps. The only time I compromise others' honor is when someone dangles a tasty treat in front of my face. I am easy to please (coffee, much?) and believe in people.

My husband is a cat. He is a great floppy Maine Coon. He really likes other people, sure. He's awfully easy-going. But he knows what he knows, and that's all he needs. He is independent and will flip the rest of the world off if the world isn't doing things the right way. Michael asserts himself and his boundaries through body language. He practically oozes disdain for anyone who does not meet his expectations. Now, granted, his expectations are merely standards in morality. Pretty much, if you smile and don't lie, Michael will like you. But if you're a womanizing asshole (yeah, you, frat boy across the street), he won't piss on your teeth if your mouth was on fire. That's right. I said piss.

I know someone who is a cat, but acts like a dog. She's actually one of the worst kind of cats--a Siamese (like Delilah). She's selfish and moody and anxious and brooding, but she only lets her closest members in on that part of her personality. The rest of the time, she is a dog. A Golden Retriever, at that. She is loved in the community and is often held to a greater standard than you or I or June Cleaver. Stay clear of cats who act like dogs.

And then, that leaves us with dogs who act like cats. These are the Chihuahuas of the bunch. Independent, yes. But self-serving? No. I think dogs who act like cats make the best leaders, because they are able to determine where real threats lay. They don't sweat the small stuff, and they are loyal, but also able to distance themselves from flattery (unlike myself).

You see, I'm on to something!

For those of you enabling puppy dogs who are always looking for a scratch around the ears, be careful whose dirty fingernails are hooking under your collar and tugging you away from your safe yard.

And for you cats? Take it easy on us dogs. We're just trying to get a bone.
Written by FRITZ
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Name: Fritz

Location: Detroit Rock City!
Where the weak are killed and eaten

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    We shall not cease from exploration And the end of all our exploring Will be to arrive where we started And know the place for the first time. Through the unknown, unremembered gate When the last of earth left to discover Is that which was the beginning; At the source of the longest river The voice of the hidden waterfall And the children in the apple-tree Not known, because not looked for But heard, half-heard, in the stillness Between two waves of the sea. Quick now, here, now, always— A condition of complete simplicity (Costing not less than everything) And all shall be well and All manner of thing shall be well When the tongues of flame are in-folded Into the crowned knot of fire And the fire and the rose are one. -T.S. Eliot "Little Gidding"

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