From the Journal of Delilah Amelia Fritz-Cottle:

Look, I know the Two-Leggeds are all thrilled about some rock on the Girl's finger. Whatever. There are a few things I want to clear up before anyone gets any ideas about my part in all of this.

1. I will NOT have some cushion tied to me so I can strut down an aisle and give those two another reason to coo at me. I'm sick of their patronizing natures as it is.

2. I don't care what anyone says...he's not my REAL dad.

3. Is there gonna be something in this for me? I could use some therapy, you know. This is a 'mixed' family, now.

4. Nah, I don't really look at it as LOSING a caretaker; I like to think of it as GAINING another sap who I can mutilate, abuse, malign, and manipulate. Poor sucker.

5. I expect some f*cking tuna in celebration. Either that, or a buffet with the house plants.

6. When asked if I'm happy for them, I say 'yes'. I'm about as happy as the day the Girl came to the Cage, picked me up, cooed at me, and squeezed my guts out of my ears for an hour. Uh-huh. That's how happy I am.

Look, sure, it's wonderful that those Two have decided to be Mates for Life. I just think they should take some hints from the feline world. Get as much play as you can, make a lot of illegitimate babies, and eat some children when possible. You know, it sure would have been nice if I could have had a CHOICE in the matter--ends up, I've been DE-sexed and humiliated, and now I get to watch THOSE two neck on the sofa. This is NOT how I envisioned my existence.

God, I just hope they don't REPRODUCE any time soon.