Thursday, September 13, 2007

I'm laughing at my school nurse and my regular nurse and my childhood dentist. Join me in laughing at them.


I'm also laughing at my mom, but in a nicer way, because she reads the blog.


I have a confession to make--I visited the rich imperialist sadistic dentist's office today, something I have not done for about six years. Why the long wait? Well, I'll explain why.

Dentists are people who get rich off of the only bones in your body on the outside on purpose. Dentists make their money by torturing you and then mortifying you with threats of oral cancer if you don't come back every six months. Dentists collect painful and horrific little tools that make whirring noises; these tools are plugged into generators and fluid pumps. These tools wind up in your mouth. Dentists take pleasure in fingering your tongue with no sense of decency. Dentists hide their smirks behind clean, white, impenetrable masks. When dentists see you wince, they wink at their comely hygienists who stand by, always ready to assist in the hell that is a 'dental exam'. In short, dentists are charlatans. They are worse than chiropractors--to complete a dental exam, a person must return to the office nine times in two weeks in order to get a 'clean oral bill of health'. When was the last time you called for an appointment for a dental exam and was then told by the eighteen year old pin-up model in the scrubs outfit that the first appointment was merely an initial screening that must be held before the cleaning which (obviously) comes before the actual exam? And God help you if you have cavities. Or a dead tooth. Or a cracked crown. Or a diaspora. Simply put, you're screwed and may need a loan officer.

Regardless, I had decided the time had come to face the music. I've been a smoker for nine years and have ignored my teeth during the whole she-bang. Sure, I brush, but I hardly floss (because really, who does?)(okay, all of you who just said 'I do', please stop reading this post and go put the floss somewhere that will result in a gut cleanse when it comes out). I drink about nine pots of coffee a day and (thanks to my obsessive and repressive nature) clench my jaws ALL THE TIME. When I do brush my teeth properly, my gums hurt and the root of each tooth screams in agony. The bell had rung, the clock had ticked, my time was up. I had to go.

It being Rosh Hashana, I don't have to go to work today. Yay for secularists of all kinds! And what's a better way than celebrating a day off? Going to the fucking dentist.

Upon arrival, I told the chirpy eighteen year old who 'sets up' for the hygienist that I hated dentists. I was shaking. My palms were sweating and my brow was crinkled as I searched forthe destructing tools ensuring my demise. The dental assistant smiled like a model, patted my hand in a conciliatory manner, and parked me in the car-seat-turned-iron-maiden that is the patient chair. She took some x-rays and then readied me for the dental hygienist.

My dental hygienist was Dr. Ruth, I swear to God. Short and Jewish with a fabulous crop of red hair, she eagerly told me how excited she was to be the first one to make me cry after years of keeping my mouth dentist-free. With the skill of a skid row whore, she propped my mouth into all sorts of interesting poses and 'hmmed' and 'ohhhed' over the state of things in meus os. She created a work of pain in my soul, demonstrating how truly sensitive my roots were by tapping on them with her scalpel.

"You see that hurts?"

tink tink tink goes the metal scraper

"AOOUgghhaalll!" I screamed.


"Oh, poor darling, we'll get you all fixed up!"

An hour later, I was out the door.

So why am I laughing? While my gums have been violated like Paris Hilton in her daddy's hotel room, I can say this with glee:


And I've never had one in all of my 28 years of life. The dentists, while they search for ultimate control of my mouth, have not caught me. I have slipped through their latex-and-saliva-covered fingers once again.

Touche! But don't touch the gums, please. Ouch.

Written by FRITZ
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Name: Fritz

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