Holy Jehosephat. I've actually submitted a story to Creative Loafing, the local Atlanta leftish rag. I certainly don't expect to win, but at least I'm giving it a shot. Anyway, my father seemed to like the story, and what with his three or four masters' degrees in all things Literature, I can't imagine him blessing anything less than palatable. Why did it take so long to share a story with the rest of the world?

Because sometimes, you just need a push.

Have you heard about Maggie? This unfortunate pachyderm lives at the Anchorage, Alaska zoo. Obviously, subzero temperatures and a three month summer isn't really a typical surrounding for an African bush elephant. Apparently, dear Maggie has developed a case of Seasonal Affective Disorder (that's right, S.A.D.). She's put on a bunch of weight and can't seem to remember anything. So, someone has decided to give her a push.

They have built a treadmill for her. She's managed to drop one thousand pounds (Thank God for Jenny Craig) and squeeze back into that Little Black Dress from high school. However, she's got some more weight to lose (don't we all?--No, actually. The Olsen Twins don't really need to lose any weight). Hence: the treadmill.

Reports that the National Enquirer has simply mixed up photos of Kirstie Alley and Maggie have filed in, but I (for one) am stricken with shame for these so-called 'legitimate' sources. Kirstie Alley has a pair of legs that I would die for, personally. I've written Maggie, and she's been kind enough to extend treadmill
use to me in exchange for some counseling. We're gonna get through this long, dark winter together.

Me and the Pachyderm.