Saturday, March 11, 2006
Something is Rotten in the State of Denmark
I worked out for an hour. I ran. I did the Eliptical. I had to burn off last night's cheat. After all this, I sat in the sauna for about twenty minutes.
When I came out of that joint, I was absolutely drenched in woman sweat--stinky, fetid woman stench. Yummm.
I had to sweat out all the crap I had ingested the day before. Besides, the sauna is a lot easier to tolerate than the whirlpool filled with the old fat women. So, I sat. And I leaked bodily fluid all over myself. I don't think Mike Tyson after a fight has sweat as much as me in the sauna.

Then, I went on a motorcycle ride for about two and half hours. Here in Georgia, it was about 78 degrees. Add a motorcycle jacket to THAT plus full face helmet, gloves, and leather boots, it's roughly 99 degrees. Guess what? I sweated some more.

We come home. We bought a grill. We grilled out on the driveway, beneath the stars. Michael grilled hotdogs and hamburgers, and I've never eaten anything as sumptious as charcoal grilled beef on a bun. Mmm.

Did you know that severe dehydration causes constipation? No? Well, now you do. Kids, drink your damn water.

Twenty minutes later, I'm in the bathroom. I'm dying. This kind of pain can only occur once in a woman's life, and she's supposed to be passing something more interesting than poo through her legs. Unfortunately, I'm unable to pass anything. I crawl to the bed, huddle into a fetal position, and pray for death to take me. Let me tell you: constipation is no laughing matter. When the intestines have crawled into the vacuum of your diaphragm and twinge in cruel agony, you don't want to laugh. When your anus is quivering in trauma, you can't laugh. And when you finally request your dearly beloved to go to the local drugstore to pick up an enema, you're in no place for dignity.

Michael saved the day. He rescued me from death. He travelled far into the night to retrieve the Holy Grail of enemas. And when he returned, I doth applied and vundabar! Sweet relief.

But let me tell you, no one is going near the bathroom for a good long while. Ahhhhhhh.

Written by FRITZ
| Link | 5 wise cracks! |

Name: Fritz

Location: Detroit Rock City!
Where the weak are killed and eaten

Click here to find out
even more!

What My Brain is Eating
  • eatpraylove
    This is a Flickr badge showing public photos from Nukes524. Make your own badge here.

    What I Live By:
    We shall not cease from exploration And the end of all our exploring Will be to arrive where we started And know the place for the first time. Through the unknown, unremembered gate When the last of earth left to discover Is that which was the beginning; At the source of the longest river The voice of the hidden waterfall And the children in the apple-tree Not known, because not looked for But heard, half-heard, in the stillness Between two waves of the sea. Quick now, here, now, always— A condition of complete simplicity (Costing not less than everything) And all shall be well and All manner of thing shall be well When the tongues of flame are in-folded Into the crowned knot of fire And the fire and the rose are one. -T.S. Eliot "Little Gidding"

    I Heart Tits


    Blogarama - The Blogs Directory