Miss Loudmouth is a teacher. Mr. Bald is a firefighter. Miss Loudmouth is louder than myself (amazing!) and Mr. Bald is quieter than Michael (really amazing!). We all ride motorcycles and are from up north. When we get together, the men are happy because they finally get a word in edgewise. Miss Loudmouth and I blabber away.
But there are some problems.
1. Miss Loudmouth has fake boobs. I've never associated with anyone who has fake boobs. And these were not boobs put there for medical reasons (like a masectomy). No. She had them done after she had her baby--she didn't like the way her natural breasts sagged.
2. Mr. Bald is really desperately a man's man. He likes to stare at other women. Miss Loudmouth is okay with this, as she likes to tease him about his lack of a sex drive with her.
3. In fact, Miss Loudmouth also talks openly about other women's butts and how attractive they are.
4. We have a sneaking suspicion that at the bottom of all this, Miss Loudmouth and Mr. Bald are swingers.
5. This is unappealing.
Now, I am a very jealous woman. Nobody gets to hug my man, look at my man, or talk to my man about sex. Period. And if I thought Michael was even tempted to look at a woman with fake boobs, he knows there would be several outcomes:
-Sleeping on the sofa for a month
-Getting a blow-up doll for 'release'
-Being cut off. You know what I mean.
However, Michael is one of those rare guys who doesn't go for silicone or skinny. He likes round real women (and by 'women', I mean 'FRITZ' and no one else). So, I don't have to worry about Miss Loudmouth being appealing to him. She's skinny and has fake boobs.
But there's one woman I am very leery of: Tanya Tucker.
Why? When Michael was 19, he worked at Chuck E. Cheese as a video maintenance repair guy. That's right; he carried all the keys. He was cute in that 80's way (mullet, mustache, cute dimples and sparkly eyes)(obviously, he's still very cute--just not in that 80's way). Tanya Tucker was in Michigan on tour with her in-bred band of cousins and roadies. Where do drunk country stars want to eat after a long show? Chuck E. Cheese, of course!
So, Miss Tanya brought her entourage over to Michael's Chuck E. Cheese for entertainment. She came after the restaurant was closed and tossed some money at Michael and the managers. That's all it took for my future husband--he was smitten.
Apparently, so was Tanya. She smooched Michael on the cheek as a thanks. She called him a cutie and said, "I could just eat you up!".
Oh, I bet she could.
All I have to say is: If Michael EVER utters one word about how he wished my hair were a bit more peroxided or my clothes a tad tighter or my eyeshadow a bit bluer, we'll all know why. Miss Loudmouth ain't got nothin' on Tanya Tucker.
And Tanya Tucker ain't got nothin' on Fritz.
