Thursday, January 26, 2006
Raising Baby Vegan
They just tick me off--the TLC Bringing Home Baby series.

What brilliant dude thought this one up?
"Oh, I know! I'll do a whole series on new, stupid parents!"

Now, Moms of the world, I am sure that labor and all that is a 'beautiful and spiritual' occurrence. And I'm also sure that the pain, defecation, urination, ripping, bleeding and screaming is all worth it...until the kid starts crying. But I really resent this show, and I am beginning to resent it so much that it's affecting my love of "What Not to Wear".

Yesterday, the episode highlighted a couple who were introduced as 'looking forward to spending some time together after marriage when they discovered they were pregnant'. Great. Two relatively unexcited parents getting ready to slip another body out into the world. The show follows them through their labor, with a wonderful closeup to Mom's hoo-hah while Baby crawls out of the birth canal. I'm about to lose my lunch, but can't seem to stop watching when Mom says, actually SAYS this on television: "Well, we thought we were prepared. You know, we bought some stuff. But we're not prepared at all."

I'm sorry, you bought some STUFF? This is a freaking PERSON you're talking about, and you thought some STUFF was going to get you prepared? IDIOT.

So: pan into the 'nursery', which is really nothing more than a spare room with a heap of junk in it and the bassinet. Mom's trying to change Baby with those ultra-hip environmentalist swaddling diapers. Now, I don't really have a problem with that, because my parents used those same reusable diapers with me, and thanks to them, my tushy is soft and cuddly. What I do have a problem with is not knowing how to put a baby in a diaper. People! You've had NINE MONTHS. You'd think they could've practiced ONCE with a doll or a foster kid or something!

My heart rate is already bouncing off the walls at this point when Mom says AS SHE IS BREASTFEEDING Baby, "We're going to raise him vegan."

VEGAN?? You're freaking milking him with your own mammary glands and you're going to take DAIRY out of this kid's life? No meat? No protein? No birthday cakes? No processed sugars?? NO ICE CREAM?? How the hell did they expect the little runt to GROW? Pills and vitamins?

I snapped. I simply couldn't bear it. Here I am, nowhere CLOSE to thinking about reproduction, and I already know more about babies than this dull-witted, California trendy couple of yuppies. When people are sticking newborns in spare rooms and wondering what to do when Baby spits up, they should have their child taken from them. Yes, there's a lot of learning that happens when you become a parent. Sure, you're going to fumble and mess up. Okay, you might even drop the kid.

But a little foresight NEVER KILLED ANYONE. On the other hand, I know some vegans who look like death warmed over.
Stacy and Clinton, I'm going to have to take a break. TLC is causing me health problems.
Written by FRITZ
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Name: Fritz

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    We shall not cease from exploration And the end of all our exploring Will be to arrive where we started And know the place for the first time. Through the unknown, unremembered gate When the last of earth left to discover Is that which was the beginning; At the source of the longest river The voice of the hidden waterfall And the children in the apple-tree Not known, because not looked for But heard, half-heard, in the stillness Between two waves of the sea. Quick now, here, now, always— A condition of complete simplicity (Costing not less than everything) And all shall be well and All manner of thing shall be well When the tongues of flame are in-folded Into the crowned knot of fire And the fire and the rose are one. -T.S. Eliot "Little Gidding"

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