Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Schizoid Assistance

Crazy people are a real joy. I can say this because I talk to myself in grocery stores--so I am crazy.

Listen, I try to stay away from rattling off stories from my work, but this one...is really kind of fascinating. Bear with me through it.

All names have been changed to protect me.

Okay, so I get an anonymous call about one of my probationers.

Caller (in fast paced rant): "Do not try to trace this call. Do not call the number on your caller ID. It is imperative you not contact me. Listen: one of your defendants was arrested back in May for selling meth to an undercover agent. She is now working with the DEA, and the agent she is working with is Agent Frank. Call Agent Frank at this number..." Click.
Parenthetical: Ha! Like a Georgia State employer even HAS caller ID...

I call Agent Frank. Apparently, Agent Frank and Detective Joe (the undercover cop) had no idea this young lady was on Probation. And she did not inform Probation of her means of employment. Oops. Big no-no.

So Agent Frank and Detective Joe and I chat and realize Miss Probationer has really been pulling the wool over everyone's eyes, so I issue a Probation Warrant and Detective Joe and Agent Frank start the cogs to get her indicted federally on the new charges.

Incidentally, she sold 44 grams of crystal meth to Detective Joe (undercover). When the Feds and the cops went to her apartment, they found (sing it like the '12 Days of Christmas...it makes it more fun..)"88.7 grams of crystal meth, 8.9 grams of cocaine, two pills of Xanax, and a partridge in a peartree..." That's a lot of meth.

Anyway, today, I get another anonymous call.

Caller (faster paced voice, higher timbre): "DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CONTACT ME! Last night, a man by the name of Buster Frank was killed in [the city where the Probationer lived]. He is the brother of Agent Frank. Did you tell anyone about this call??? YOU MUST CALL MAJOR DAN with the POLICE IN THIS TOWN. Here is the number..."

So, now I'm thinking, "Crap. Huge freakin' conspiracy. Someone's dead because I called the DEA. Crap..."
I call Major Dan and relay the message. He laughs.

"Yeah, that's Johnny John. He calls everyday with a conspiracy. He's been calling me for years. He's paranoid schizophrenic. Totally thinks everyone is out to get him."

"But, sir," I said, "The information he gave me on my defendant was totally valid, so thanks to him, I am now going to be able to nab this young lady for selling meth for the second time to an undercover cop."
"Well," said Major Dan, "He finally got something right."

Look, I don't care what anyone says. That nut out there helped me get another meth seller off the street. Even a stopped clock tells the right time twice a day. God bless that schizoid...he really helped this officer out.
Written by FRITZ
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Name: Fritz

Location: Detroit Rock City!
Where the weak are killed and eaten

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