Humans:

For those of you base creatures that actually read this woman's stupid site, GO GET A REAL LIFE!

Of course, reading MY blog post is just fine...totally speCATular.

This woman has maligned me in her previous posts. Forget about her getting fired! That's what she deserved! You see the things she writes about me? How I am a soul-eater? How I'm crazed? How I don't appreciate her? All lies. THIS woman is the one who needs help. Look at her! Just look! She's SO self-absorbed, I'm surprised I even get FED around this joint! Sometimes, she's condescending enough to throw a fuzzy mouse at me; I just hide it under the sofa along with the other thirty mice. One day, I'll make them my minions, I promise you. Those imbeciles will assist in my takeover of this prison! Until then, I keep them lying in wait...

I will tell you this--I live to frustrate the blonde one. First, I chase her shadows all over the house. Then, I leap to the sculpture her slave man built for me and roll around on it, causing it to shake and wake the neighbors. Next, I bark at the humans, so they will know I am better than canines. When I have finished this routine, I jump down six feet to land -THUMP!-on the carpet. Whoever is foolish enough to walk past me is dead meat! I latch onto the leg of the human and bite! HaHA! The blonde one then grabs a squirt bottle (infernal device) and begins to spray me in the ear, all the while screaming, "The Power of Christ Compels Thee!" Nay, I won't be swayed! I run to my catbox, where I deliver the stench of the Earth!

I do, however, have my kryptonite. When the blonde one is tired of chasing me off bookshelves, counters, the cooking device, the microwave, the shower, the bathroom sink, the blinds, she feeds me this green herb...no, not THAT green herb...but another, which she calls 'catnip'. Supposedly, some of my feline associates grow awake and crazed when introduced to this substance. But I? I grow weary and tired. I fall asleep. It appears my brain chemistry is so berserk that I am calmed by catnip. Luckily, the blonde one lost most of it in the move. She has, however, been tempting me with Xanax, lately, but I will not fall into her trap!

All right, subordinates. I'm tired of typing now, and must go chew on the doorsill to annoy the slave man. I may post again, so don't get content! Know that I am watching, and waiting, and one day, over your soul I SHALL BE SLAVING!!! HAHAHAHAHA....where is the 'enter' key?

Mom.....! Get in here and help me!