Dammit.

Dammitydammitydammitdammit!!

Michael and I visited our hoity-toity neighboring town last night. We desired to sit in opulent theater chairs and slurp popcorn grease into our very pores while watching 'Sweeney Todd'. Meh.

We had parked in a nice, well-lit parking deck. It was lovely and cheap and close to the theater. It was full of very expensive cars, because Birmingham, Michigan is full of people who buy very expensive cars. Our bloated-looking Grand Prix looked so Wal-Mart compared to all the Lord & Taylor autos. However, there is no distinction amongst cars when theives are concerned. Theives are interested in what is in the car, and that's why they break rear-driver-side windows.

So, when we arrived at our car to find shattered glass everywhere, we wondered what in the hell the theives were after. In the back seat, we had three or four plastic cups, a box of cat litter, and a bag holding a three inch binder. None of these items were stolen.

A cop came and said the requisite things and a nice man taped a black garbage bag over the window and we went home and I put in a claim with the insurance. The cop had informed me the deductible would be waived. Tra-la-la. No worries.

Nevermind all that. The insurance agent tells me today that the deductible has to be met. There goes our Christmas money.

So much for having one month of easy breathing. I hope those shitsnarking assclowns get anal cancer.

I have had a cold for the last week.

My cat has one, too.

While the cat and I were lying around, wilting, it dawned on me: I haven't heard much about the Avian bird flu. When were all we supposed to die from it--last year or last month? No, wait. Last month was MRSA.

This month, there are no health threats. It's Christmas, after all.

Don't get sentimental--we're not being threatened by health worries because we are needed in malls. Sales were only average this year during the holiday season, so I suspect we will be bombarded with car deals and buy-one-get-one free packages for another month. Then, we'll get walloped with Wallaby Virus or SMERGA or some such horrible, exploding hot zone disease that will make our hair incinerate and our teeth rot out through our feet. Please wear your face masks at all times. Do not eat duck pate. And for goodness' sake, watch Oprah for upcoming news bulletins.

I just wiped my nose with a tissue and threw it at the Visa commercial...you know the one(s). All the people are in the store, dancing to an Andrew Lloyd Weber tune, swiping their magical debit cards. Then, there's that asshole that shows up at the counter. S/he's using cash, and just managed to corrupt the whole flow of the fresh water supply on Earth. Coffee spills, children start screaming, and gunfire erupts in Palestine. Apparently, cash is the real nemesis...along with MRS-A. Please. Stick to magical debit thingies connected to great big computers tracking your purchasing habits, your pharmaceutical buys, your on-line gambling problem.

My car's in the shop, so I can't get to the pharmacy to pick up my over-prescribed antibiotic. I have asked my mechanic to take out the black box put into my vehicle. The car manufacturer assured me the box was there to collect data on braking and transmission habits of the vehicle, but based on the insurance company's response to my recent speeding ticket, I tend to think there might be another reason for such a tracking device in my car.

So, here I am, without a car and without cash. I could always use my cell phone to call my college friend who lives in Lebanon. We could chat about the war in Iraq, the assassination of Bhutto, and the consequences of a consumer-driven lust for compartmentalization, cell structure, and conditioned education. But there is a rather large chance that after hanging up the phone, several intimidating men in black jump suits will burst through my front door without the merest attempt at knocking or furnishing a warrant.

I'll skip the phone. Maybe I'll Google some current news topics, like RFID technology and microchipping in children. Maybe, I'll glance at some updated conspiracy theorist's web page.

Nah.

An episode of 'Survivor' is scheduled on my Tivo. And I have to relax in order to heal this cold. I have no sick time left and if I don't get better, I won't get paid for another two weeks. My benefits could renege based on my reluctance to fill a prescription that makes me 'healthy blue' for Blue Cross/Blue Shield. Better to keep my job, keep my head down, keep working until I die, making absolutely sure I do nothing to free myself from this virtual prison in which I have imprisoned myself with help from Them.

Time to turn off the television. Time to hang up the phone. Time to cut the cord. Time to stop buying and start thinking.